I just returned from speaking at Northampton Community College today and wanted to write about it while it’s still fresh in my mind. I had a great experience speaking today to NCC’s Psychology Club. I’ll admit that I was pretty nervous, but the students there really put me at ease. I was speaking on behalf of NAMI (the National Alliance on Mental Illness) Lehigh Valley, where I interned for a semester last spring during my junior year at Lafayette. Janet, the woman I interned for, set up the speaking event and thought that it would be good for me to speak as a mental health consumer, but also as a college student. I think the students at NCC responded well to me being around the same age as most of them. In addition to myself, another man named John also spoke about NAMI’s services and about his experience with his daughter, who has schizo-affective disorder.
John spoke first and I spoke when he was finished. When I started off, I was really nervous and my voice was shaking slightly. However, as I looked into the eyes of the students in the room, I could see that they were genuinely interested in what I had to say. They were nodding along in agreement with what I was saying, which made me so much more comfortable.
I started off by saying that I would summarize my story about living with depression and then they could ask whatever questions they wanted. I really emphasized that I am incredibly open about my story and that I would answer almost anything. I began by explaining that I was always really nervous and sensitive growing up. I also went to great lengths to hide any eccentric behaviors that resulted from my anxiety and sensitivity from my peers because I never wanted anyone to judge or pick on me.
I then spoke about my first round of depression and the feelings of worthlessness I felt after breaking up with my first boyfriend. I explained that I had judged my own self-worth on whether or not I had a boyfriend and when my first relationship ended, my self-esteem dropped drastically. I became irritable towards my parents, I wanted to withdrawal from my friends, and I lost interest in many of the things that used to make me happy.
When my junior year began, things improved, but I never went back to feeling the way I had prior to my breakup. I thought I was just maturing and becoming more serious. I thought I just wasn’t as good at dealing with my negative emotions as my peers. I didn’t realize that I was suffering from a chemical imbalance in my mind.
Then I spoke about the experience that really altered my life – my cousin’s death. I spoke about the guilt I felt for being alive while he was dead, I spoke about developing post-traumatic stress disorder because I didn’t take the time to let myself process his traumatic death, and I spoke about the deep depression I entered during my senior year of high school. I was more irritable than ever, I had lost interest in everything. Once a good student involved in many clubs and activities, I had no desire to do anything. I didn’t want to spend time with my friends or family. I just wanted to be alone and dwell on my negative and suicidal thoughts.
I told the students that things eventually got to the point where I could hardly function. I could barely get out of bed in the morning because I felt so worthless and hopeless about my life. When I finally confronted my parents and told them that I needed help, they doubted me and dismissed me. When they finally sent me to a psychologist, we were a terrible match.
Eventually, I was able to find a better psychologist and I left for college, I was hopeful that things would be better.
But they weren’t better. If anything, they were worse. I had a hard time adjusting to college life and its completely different lifestyle. I was more troubled than ever. However, through therapy and identifying healthy coping skills, I was able to overcome my depression. I still have bad days, but I have educated myself about mental health to the point that I better understand myself. I can now work through my depressive episodes and they don’t have to consume me so completely.
Students asked a variety of questions, which was comforting to me because it revealed that they were engrossed in my story. One student asked if I thought therapy or medication was more beneficial for me in reaching recovery. I said that therapy was initially more helpful because I really didn’t have anyone to talk to about my mental health concerns, but currently, the mix of both medication and therapy helps me. They complement each other. Another student asked me if my parents had come to better understand my depression. I explained that I only live with my dad now, but he has definitely come along way. Sometimes it is still difficult because he is a typical male with a “fix-it” attitude (and mental health is not something you can just easily “fix,” like a broken arm), but I know he is always there for me. Another question was how my friends had reacted to my depression and if my peers at Lafayette know about it. I said that my depression, especially the aspect of my social withdrawal, has made me lose quite a few friends over the years. As sad as that is, it has also really helped me identify the most important and dedicated friends. As far as Lafayette, I am not really sure what people think. I definitely don’t lie about my depression to cover it up and I believe I have established myself as a mental health advocate, but I am really not sure. I explained that I believe that if people are open and willing to discuss their mental health issues, talking about mental health could someday be just like talking about cancer or Alzheimer’s Disease.
I was especially touched by the students who stayed after the presentation to speak with me. One girl just wanted to tell me that she thought I did a great job speaking, which meant a lot to me because I had been so nervous. Another girl wanted to get more information about Active Minds because she was interested in starting a chapter at her college. Finally, another student wanted to share her personal mental health experience with me and thank me for being so open about mine. Speaking was a great experience and I really believe that I succeeded in opening up some people’s eyes about mental health.
- Francesca